HI I AM BACK *hides behind cupboard*

I cant even begin to say how sorry and sorry and sorry I am for been off this space for months. I know I said I would be here regularly, I mean it was one of my new year resolution ....I know some of you readers would be like na today...... wellll (my friend don't nod and say anything as if you dont break promises......tell me which of your resolution you have kept.....yea let he who hasnt broken his promise or  kept to his resolution throw the first comment....."rolling my eyes and snapping my finger").

Back to the discussion life as a blogger and employee in Lagos can be so hard....I need to speak to Linda Ikeji like how does she pull it off (oh thats her only job, I guess that explains why she is regularly posting....girl I dont envy you....) I am a blogger, guest blogger, brand executive, sunday school teacher, sister, baby sitter, fund raiser,event planner, dj, manager, promoter, consoler, adviser to friends, love doctor, match maker....the list is endless....lol....okay I dont have an excuse for not blogging.....lol

I have been off this space way too long.I logged in and found out blogger had changed stuffs (is that blogger like changing stuff or  I haven't been here that long...na wa oo..) ...lots of stuffs... I practically couldn't work my way round it that shows how long I have been off here..that aint nice and I am pretty sure some people must have forgetten who the heck fleau is and I apologise for causing you amnesia....

So I am not promoising all I am saying is I would try to blog regularly I need my readers you guys always make me laugh and truth is I have so much to talk about "maybe I should employ a typist sef".....*checks bank account balance* okay I think I would keep typing myself untill I can afford to pay someone a wage that is atleast up to the minimum wage in Kenya

I hope yall atleast missed me small..lets just say I have been going through some changes that didnt permit some blogging but hey I am here now lets talk.......I have a suprise for everyone just watch this space and tell your sister to tell her boyfriend to tell his mum to tell her pastor to tell the congragation to tell the world that the JOKER IS BACK.

PS: HI I AM FLEAU AND I AM SO SORRY FOR LEAVING YOU GUYS AND NOT MAKING YOU LAUGH AMIDST THIS RECESSION AND BAD STORIES ROUND THE WORLD.....*PUPPY FACE AND KITTEN SMILE*...did it work

THE EFFECT OF VEX MONEY ON LADIES....

When it comes to taking a babe out most Nigerian men or should I say men in general are gentlemen (its a good thing) when on a date they pick up the lady, pay the bills and at the end they drive the lady home or give her cab money. Due to this comfort most ladies have gotten use to the fact that going out with money is not necessary since he is around and so most ladies carry a bag with their phone, and make-up no back up cash and na does kain babes they suffer pass

Most ladies have no idea what VEX MONEY means or should I say 75% of women have no idea what VEX MONEY means. In my normal nice and humble self I would tell you the meaning

VEX in simple English means anger, to provoke, annoyed while money is the universal language every business person understands. Let’s put it together VEX MONEY simply refers to annoyingly speaking the universal language.....kapiche

Vex money is that money that ensures you don’t wash plates in a restaurant after a date, vex money is that money that ensures that you don’t end up calling a friend to come and bail you out from the police for owing, vex money is the money that prevents unnecessary people from talking to you anyhow, vex money is that money that gives you the courage to act in whatever manner you desire when on a date, vex money is the money that gives a lady courage and confidence to order anyhow she wants.

Having said all this I am sure some people would be wondering why the hell do I need vex money (maybe when you wash plate tire or act as server you go understand), If you are a guy its not necessary but as a lady you must always move with vex money. When on a date every lady's bag must have powder, tissue and VEX MONEY.....Let me rearrange it every lady on a date must always have in her bag VEX MONEY and only vex money all other things are jara.

Look you don’t want to go on a date and be scared every time your date says I need to go to the gents, make a call outside, or step out for a bit all because you didn’t come along with any money you keeping getting scared that he might leave you there to foot the bills and since you came there with probably just an empty wallet or no wallet at all, you are more likely to wash plates, sweep the floor of the restaurant or clear tables until the manager feels you have worked enough to pay the bills

There is nothing more embarrassing that a guy walking out on you or scamping you (the act of running without notifying you more like dumping you) and then the waiter comes to ask for the money and you are left to say my friend is coming back to pay and then you call him and the guy doesn’t pick and I trust my Nigerian restaurant you would hear all sorts of insults from the same waiter that was calling you ma a few minutes ago don’t be shocked if you begin to hear stuffs like "idiot na so dem go they do awuf yet them no get money, na so all this small small girls go they follow man go restaurant go chop food wey their family no fit afford, see as e dey look like imbe the man don leave am go e no get money to pay, my friend stand up from there idiot ".

Let me give you 3 reasons why you always have to have vex money

• Incase the guy is a jerk and you want to walk away with vex money you can just stand up say your mind and walk out to get cab or pay for your fare home since you have money and don’t have to wait for him to pay your transport fare

• Incase he calls that you should order before he comes and then doesn’t show up you can pay your own bill

• Should incase of INCASITY

I know men don’t run out of girls anymore but for your own good when next your going out with a male friend especially someone you just met or someone you haven’t seen in a while it would be nice if you held some cash at least should incase the devil decides to rent the young man and to be safer if you don’t have that much vex money on you please don’t order much when you are there to minimize the insults the waiters or the owners of the place would dish out.

Vex money is that small money that would help you keep your dignity in shape especially in situations when the guy ask you to wait at some place for him and doesn’t show up until after an hour, at least your vex money would enable you order for a drink or even if na sausage to chew on until the guy shows up.

Imagine if you left your house with 100naira with the hope that when you see the guy he would pay for your lunch and your cab fare home only to get there and meet his absence after 2hours of watching Afrimagic or Channel0 with the waiters and pressing your phone (since you no carry money you no fit buy anything) he doesn’t show up or he calls to say I wont be able to make it. ITS TWO THINGS YOU ARE HUNGRY AND STRANDED......if for say you carry vex money you for just order small meat pie and coke they chill for the guy and when he doesn’t show up with courage you would stand up and use your remaining change to go home at least that way the waiters or people around wont know what happened they would simply assume you came to just buy meat pie unlike if you waited for hours or minutes and bought nothing and then stood up and left , be sure they would gossip about you, be sure they would say stuffs like "na person she dey wait, I sure say na man, men mean sha see how dem keep this kain babe for here .......I am pretty sure you wont be able to visit the same restaurant again because of shame.

On a serious note you don’t have to carry thousands even if its just like money for cab just hold vex money kapiche...

PS: Dear babes boys are not smiling anymore oooo so help yourselves. I won’t be happy if I see a fine babe with Brazilian hair, mad make-up, a jimmy choo shoe and a Louis Vuitton sling bag mopping or brushing a restaurant...it would hurt me.

MY TAKE ON SAME SEX RELATIONSHHIP

Please note this post is just me yarning so before some people would come and kidnap me abeg na joke I dey o.  Plus I was just bearing out my mind on this small issue that is becoming huge in the world. I would never hold it against you for being GAY so you know. Having cleared the air lets get down to business...

You don’t want to know how hard I laugh every time I watch a football match and watch a player slap another player on the ass during a substitution. I have read the FIFA handbook and not once is it stated there that during a substitution a player should slap the bum of another player to signify I am going in for you, that one makes me go eww not to talk of a fellow man naked with some other man....*now washing my thought with bar soap and dettol*

First time I came across the gay word was in my freshman year in the University. I might have heard the word as a high school kid in the single sex school I attended for just a year but believe me it didn’t mean much to me. It wasn’t until I started having girls pay so much attention to me in the university before it finally occurred to me that there was a thing as being HOMO...... I use to think I was so special and maybe girls just saw me as cool I guess I was clueless.....

Personally I believe in the saying never judge a book by its cover at least read the preface or even the first page, so I have learnt never to judge a person based on their likes and dislikes, I mean you cant tell me a girl is a lesbian because she loves sport, loud music, wears trousers and acts like a boy or that a boy is gay all because he wears bright colours, has gel on his hair, wears lip gloss and connects with his emotions. I would never determine a person's sexual orientation based on their hobbies (if na by that one o boy e for don b for me be that) its not like I would read their preface or even go to page one I did rather just stay far away from them.

Once my friend and her sister wont let me hang out with them and I felt a bit sad but later one of my friend's sister explained to me that there was some girl at the place we were suppose to go and hang out who was into girls and apparently I looked just like her type *electrocuted look* I almost fainted when they told me this "her type" really.

On a serious note why would I want to have anything to do with someone who has the same things I have like what is the fun in that if I may ask. I see and feel the same thing everyday why would I want to feel another person's own *it’s just beneath me

They have their reasons for being gay and I have my reasons for being straight but we all are human beings with different sexual orientation.

Some people become gay all because a member of the opposite sex broke their heart (if someone from the opposite sex breaks your heart simply pick someone else from the same opposite sex and break their heart) wait sef what if some one from the same sex breaks your heart after someone from the opposite sex breaks it would you date an hermaphrodite or an animal..Just curious….

Some people become gay because they were molested as kids (I am sorry for what happened to you but really how does that justify your action),

Some feel like the opposite sex inside them (its a normal feeling sometimes you feel or just wish you were the opposite sex at least most girls cant testify to this at a particular time in the month but its not a reason to be gay....if it bothers you get a sex change....Dr 90210 can do that) ,

Some just become gay for adventurous reason or experiment (smoking and drinking is an experiment, bungee, sky or scuba diving is adventure, being gay is nothing but joblessness and cluelessness)

Some become gay because they are trying to find themselves , if you are 12years old that’s okay but why on earth would a 20something years old fella say stuffs like "I am trying to find my self like whatever funmi Adebayo from the GT Assurance advert found herself by age 17 so what are you talking about ehnn... If you are still finding yourself at age 20something then I guess you better call google office to search well for you…according to psychology by age 12 or so you should have been through with identifying your sex….wetin you still dey find na pin

Some become gay because its the 2 best paid job after multi nationals in Abuja (na so dem tell em)....if na by that one ehn I for don buy 6 range rover, 5 houses for banana island and I for even just buy 2 homes in America

Thing is when I hear an American, British or some white fella or individual from Europe is gay I don’t budge but when I hear stories about Africans especially Nigerians who practice it all I do is LMBAO.Our forefathers invented polygamy, the Indians in a bit to beat us to it invented bigamy but not once did they mention HOMOgamy because it was never in the plan.

Wait sef why would I want to date a fellow girl, do you know how much I don’t envy guys, I try to picture how they deal with girls, do you know how hard it is to put up with a fellow girl, girls can be really annoying not to talk of dating them...na beans I rather become a nun.

If Nigeria has never done anything right I am grateful about the 14years penalty on same sex relationship, lets see how much they love themselves enough to want to spend 14years of their lives together in a place were the beans has no salt, pepper or oil, a place where the mosquitoes are as big as a cockroach, a place were you bath twice a year, a place where at least 6 people sleep in a room that cant even fit in 4 out of the seven dwarfs, lets see how your love would survive that place I bet when they come out of the place not only would them stop the homo practice I bet they would become so promiscuous to prove their change in sexual orientation. What’s the point getting locked up for more than a decade for hooking up with someone who has exactly what you have I mean you don’t even get that much punishment for molesting someone from the opposite sex (I am just saying)

Let me clear this up I hold nothing against people with this orientation, I would never pull a man down based on the decisions he makes but I rather would appreciate it if they think about it properly before they engage in it. What’s the point practicing sometime you have to hide from the public, something you can’t tell your people or kids about what’s the joy in living in the dark like a prisoner. Lets face it we are Nigerians and a foreigner can get way with it, its in their culture but the African culture doesn’t even encourage a man to hug a man or a woman to kiss another woman (its not like its bad) I mean its just our way of life.

People would be wondering wetin be your own for this matter ....true talk e no be my business na wen you bring am come my side you go no say na my business for real...just make a pass at me and see if you wont spend 8months in igbobi hanging on air.

Having said all this I did like to stand my ground and say I would never diss a person for their sexual orientation neither would I judge you for who you are I am not God we all have our flaws believe yours is being into the same sex and mine is drinking too much of sugary stuffs see we have our flaws....

But wait sef just think am one man and another man doing one thing one thing *gets brush to wash my brain* atleast I can still picture women but men...choi.....una dey try...

PS: If being gay is the only thing on earth I would rather become a nun than spend 14years behind closed door (before the jail term we were doing it behind closed doors and now you expect me to get locked again to make it worse with my partner in another cell....taa...I no be efulefu)

So for all those babes cutting eye for me abeg waka...if I were gay sef I did rather just be with Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba or Eva Mendes and since yall are none of that abeg waka

MY RESPONSE TO OYINDA…………

WHICH LAZY INTELLECTUALS.....not Nigerians...thank you

Before I start anything I did like to say I am speaking on Behalf of my Nigerian people and not on a behalf of Africa as a whole since the Zambian mister decided to accept all the strokes hook, line and sinker I have decided to clear us from all of this talks.

When Dapo asked me to write about this I simply just laughed turned to my colleague at work and said "this Zambian journalist just they talk hin own" We don’t have lazy intellectuals in Nigeria or Africa as a whole as a matter of fact it’s the poor people that are lazy. Instead of lazy intellectuals what we have are greedy intellectuals.

True that since the days of Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, the Wright brothers nothing has been invented well it’s not totally our fault. I bet if Albert Einstein was brought up in Nigeria the only thing he probably would have invented would have been boli machine , I mean Thomas Edison was able to try to invent the bulb about 999times before he succeeded shebi na because hin see light use, is it were phcn or nepa is taking light that you would be trying to invent bulb 999 times, shebi na person wey see light go fit on am not to talk of inventing the bulb and trying it for that long, and I trust a struggling scientist he wont want to use fuel not at the rate of increase of fuel price...rather I bet Thomas Edison would have written a proposal on 999 reasons why PHCN should be scrapped and candle should be re-introduced and then he would call saving energy.

They complain that intellectuals depend on their 9-5 jobs, wait let me ask you something if doctors, police men, accountants etc were not working 9-5 jobs tell me who would attend to you when sick, when in need of money (because know you sef no go wan try yourself hide money for house). We all can’t be inventers all hands are not equal. Abi na you wan go do the job.

Yes I agree the white man invented the airplane good for him he depends on the aviation diesel to travel and when the storm is bad they can t fly how come he hasn’t invented something for that if he is that smart. Well so you know the so called lazy African intellectuals invented something better than a plane, the airforce or should I say wing women and men. No need for fuel, or night vision, storm doesn’t affect it as a matter of fact it takes about 20secs to travel from here to any were in the world via this means (convenience at its best, tell me if you have something better), think I am joking visit the villages and come out by 3am.

Now it’s a crime to chill out at the bar after work to cool your brain I guess the white man has forgotten that all work and no play makes not just Jack but also uchena and kwame an olodo . See who is talking like golf playing, or hanging at the casino is any better so we Africans are meant to work our ass out yet all these foreigners take holidays like their life depends on it. So you know a bar is a place were major deals are sealed

If they face stress the next thing you would hear is mental or emotional breakdown and then they would be forced to take a leave. I know people who the last time they took a leave was 2 decades ago and they are still waxing strong in their jobs. Tell me one foreigner that can do without taking a vacation atleaast once a year.

Back in Africa truth is the environment you find yourself in that would determine what you can give back, At least I have heard of Africans who moved abroad and invented or did  great things, its all about the environment. I agree that we all need to bring whatever we see abroad home to make our countries better I guess the Europeans or foreigners should do same, while we take home their technologies they should learn our culture because me I am tired of seeing kids of bloody white intellectuals doing anyhow on TV and getting charged for silly things....yes I am talking to the Hiltons

African intellectuals or let me paraphrase Nigerian intellectuals are one of the most hardworking intellectuals in the world. I can’t speak for Zambia since they are still waiting for one of their intellectuals to invent stone grinder and pure water for them I guess we are not on the same level.

You call going to the university and spending the rest of your lives in one lab or the other inventing things as being an intellectual. Wole Soyinka is an intellectual, Nelson Mandela is an intellectual and as a matter of fact this are people who sleep wake up, think, write and speak. They didn’t not invent anything but yet are one of the most influential intellectuals in Africa. Come sef how many intellectuals una get sef melo ni won ke je ki a gboron joo....

Kindly give me a list of 30 things aside social networking sites or laptops you have invented or done in the last 2 decades and see if we don’t have same already. Its all in the power of PR because we no blow trumpet no mean say we no get am.

You think you are smart yet you are still struggling with building a time travelling machine only if you knew that the so called lazy African intellectuals already have it. Not only can we see into the future we can tamper with it. You invented plasma all we need is a mirror and the name of the individual and believe me we would be seeing it the person and we would make him do whatever we want (saving energy, space and fuel.....going green).

Your so called intellectuals can’t even figure how to deal with a yahoo yahoo boy common small boy wey no go school go dey turn your inventive mind upside down.

Jokes apart Africans intellectuals are not lazy, its rather the poor that is lazy, the poor who would rather sit behind a system for a whole month trying to suck money out of a potential mugu, same time and brains he could have spent to getting something bigger, it is the poor that would stand at bus top to tell you a tale on how he became this bad and you would give him alms same English that he could have used to secure a job.

The intellectuals are those with 9-5 jobs who seal deals with just a phone call and go to the bar to drink over it, the ones who travel abroad see a stone come back and make a business out of it, those with no formal education but who still move mountains, the alaba boy who moved to lagos at age 10 yet has a mansion in his village and enough money to loan a bank, the aba guy who doesnt know where china is on the map or had no form of training in the university or engineering or science but can manufacture a replica of a nokia phone, blackberry, Play station you just name it with Nigerian resources.....intellectuals are those that can use their brains for a course or any course whatsoever......

What am I saying we invented amala, pounded yam, gala, bottle bomb, keke napep, aso oke , ankara....like I said all we need is PR.

We might not be there yet but at least we are on our way there so please stop saying generalising  be country specific there is a huge difference between Nigeria and Somalia or Kenya yet we all are Africans.

PS: Africans are not lazy and neither is the white man hardworking, Give 10 foreigners and 5 Africans or let me say Nigerians the same resources with the same time and environment and you would see who the real intellectuals are

IN THE SPIRIT OF LOVE.....na roasting we dey

I remember my first valentine MRS AJAYI (don't worry I am straight besides she was all the boarders' val sef) I was like 12years old and I can still remember the scrawny card I made for her from a green cardboard with my awesome handwriting the kind of handwriting that makes the blind say stuffs like “thank God we can’t see” and so don't have to endure the pain of reading something like my handwriting that can worsen their sight (I can't even read my own handwriting).That year the first thing I learnt was that valentine was about giving rather than collecting but over the years e don change.

This brings me to my first valentine of receiving it was nice to be on the receiving end atleast I didn't have to put anyone through the stress of reading my sexy handwriting. The dude was like 17years yet he got me gifts that made 40years old men intimidated and in my naive state I tried to confirm if he robbed a bank...o boy i cant shat....

Over the years I have seen how the show runs and o boy he get as e be oo.Its a do or die affair cos to roast na bad thing. Most peoples’ prayer for a new year always include dear Lord please dont make me roast next year. Do you know how painful it is to roast, you would see plenty girls just like yourself lounging with serious gifts believe me getting just puff-puff at a time like that they better pass roasting after all "at all at all na hin bad pass".

In my mind sef I think valentine's day is for girls because it seems to me that its always all about the females and not the males. Young hardworking men would gather all their sweat money and buy something really expensive gifts most times they don't even buy just one gift they normally buy atleast 3 or more gifts eg hublot watch, an ipad2, a ticket to some exotic place, a nice shoe, chocolates (the really expensive ones), cake (from either cakes n cream or araba),a range rover and in return the babe would return this love with one box of chocolate and 5 cards to make it look like she gave him more than he gave her, if the babe over try sef she probably would get him the same perfume she got him last year, or one shirt he claimed he liked last year while they were out shopping and believe me if she buys him that shirt nothing else would follow. Yet this men would gather all their coins spoil the woman then go back home to borrow money for transport fare to work the next day or go home to soak garri.God knows if any of my sons ever try this stunt in the future na slap I go take arrange hin jaw.

Lets fast-forward to 2012 this valentine was on a low key in simple english I was serenaded (not like someone sang to me, I meant to say I was spiced up like a chicken, you know to serenade a chicken) and then I ROASTED gbam. Its weird how on valentine’s day cakes and cream ran out of cake before 4pm is it that these cakes missed the way to my office or house? Atleats thank God I wasnt burnt (atleast to roast means you saw something like a gift to get burnt means them no even val person wey you know.....na that one bad pass).

Funny thing is for some reason best known to them all those my plenty male firends who wont let me sleep in peace didnt call me yesterday....issokay...I guess yall wont call me all through the week abi.....Una no welll.....LOL...

I am not so particular about valentine it has never being my thing though. I mean I would feel bad if someone gave me a gift and I couldn’t reciprocate in that same manner (if I were a man and I got a lady an Ipad, or 100k wristwatch or say a trip to some exotic place, she better reciprocate with something that’s more than half of what I spent on her...I aint joking ohhh...why would I buy you gifts worth 200k and in return you would buy me 15k chocolate and five N1000 cards…..because…yeah I know all fingers are not equal sha..I am just saying) hence the reason why I always try not to celebrate it.

Shout out to that NIGERIAN brother who sent a Nigerian celeb to go and drop gifts for his babe and then sing for her infront of her colleagues making them red with envy....brother you try gan....

My day was random, closed late at work, went home to my aunt who screamed you silly geh why didn you wish me happy valentine before leaving the house this morning (like say that one na password for money to comot...taa) and I later spent like 20 minutes with my cousin watching her chinese series (I seriously dont understand how she watches that stuff...*confused look*).

PS: Shout out to everyone who got proposed to yesterday, to everyone who got a gift una try, to rere the yellow babe in my office who made sure I didnt roast and so bought me that my tea cake. MAY WE NOT ROAST NEXT YEAR .happy valentine's day from me Miss Fleau

By the way I was thinking ADE MOSS would val me sef....as per co blogger..lmao...

NA BEG I DEY……on my knees

Last time I was here I know I said 2012 would be funnier for all of us and I know some of you have being experiencing a funny year already however I am sorry I have not being part of the people that have being clowning you this year and that’s why I am writing this to say NA BEG I DEY….I HUMBLE.


Last year one of my prayer points was to have a busy year with results and not to lie I see busy this year fear catch stress commot for my life hence the reason why I have being missing from here.

Its not exactly my fault that I have being MIA na the work of aircraft and airforce members….all them forces in supernaturally blog high places no want make I blog taa….any winch wey go meeting go talk say I know go blog this year na sour throat go finish am ….kpakam…..

Jokes apart I have been occupied with loads of stuff from getting ready to be a maid of honour for the first time ever, thinking about American boys (I need me one…..*winks*), becoming a lady (thanks to my cousin who wont let me be a tom boy in peace), selling cooked indomie for participants at occupy Nigeria ojota chapter (its collecting my money that’s taking my time now, they told me due to subsidy they wont be able to pay so I collected their address to ask for my money later…na that one I still dey ooo….IJK) to business….you sef see I have being occupied small…lol

Oya let me be serious I have just be off the IT world for a bit thanks to my busy schedule that wont even permit me atleast 2minutes to stare at a fine boy…yes I am that busy..lol…but I am ready to make this work. I have had people mail me, text me and even ask me in person whats up with your blog now…I am sorry for backsliding so I guess this is my little way of saying I AM BACK and I am sure some people are screaming welcome back o you know we missed ya yes you know we missed ya right here is where we need ya *in mase’s voice*…una thank you…

In summary I just want to say its being a while I have missed you guys like seriously and I have missed imagining whats going in those great minds of yours reading a scrawny blog like mine when you have the one Nigerian blog, linda ikeji blog etc. I know the competition in this blog world is stiff considering the fact that blogging is free…even muazu my gateman get blog “the hustles of a mea-tea seller and aboki in lagos”…na so we see am… I hope you still read mine amidst the billions of blogs… so NA BEG I DEY.

PS: On my knees right now (I am not proposing thanks) saying please have faith in me I wont go MIA again except for a good reason such as taking out time to have a kid, on vacation in libya, planning of the BIAFRA ZIONIST MOVEMENT launch (na joke ooooo)…except this you bet I would be blogging… thank you…

THANK YOU ALL........it was a good blogging year

I remember when I started blogging 4years ago "the sportlagic being" wow that's a long time. I practically was clueless and so lazy for reals (i mean i had access to free internet and i had plenty ish in my head too ) and yall were confused about my blog and so I did some re-branding thing (God bless Dora Akunyili) and changed my blog you guys gave me a second chance and still decided to try the new blog "the chronicle of a buttie-pako chick" and I couldn't have been more grateful hence why I have decided to say thank you.

There are so many things I am grateful for. I am thankful that all my friends are in best of health and that I had no cause to cry over any loss this year but rather I celebrated the birth of new lives and new kids "

I am thankful about the new friends I made this year. I met great people this year Dj Alf, Dj Mic, Dayo, Dupe, Joke (Jay don't even blush or go all emo on this), Dammy Abolarin (wel technically I just met you)....abeg  if your name is not here dont be mad I forget things easily, I mean i sometimes forget my birthday...lol...im sorry....if i met you this year I am glad I did....

I am thankful I didn't get my heart broken this year (That was so close try harder next year mister *tongue out*) ....that would have been awful...lol... fleau with a broken heart...not a good thing....

I am thankful the 2nd love of my life *RVY* came home hopefully I would make it up to you and we can do catch up. I still have mad love for you in a straight way though cos 14years aint beans..lmao....

I am thankful about all my readers. Thanks for your constructive criticism "Dapo Egberongbe" thanks for your push "Ade Moss", thanks for the comments "Prince Olateju", thanks for the likes and for even reading my blog, lollyheartz, twitter readers, . I mean it can be demanding but you still took out time and I am so thankful you didn't allow all this my grammar go to waste. You all are the best.

I am thankful about the confidence I built this year, for the major steps I took both personal and career wise (i took a walk from a former job it felt good to tell my boss your fired), for my spiritual growth, for how emotional I got this year "that's a step" and yeah for at least blogging a bit this year "I was seriously lazy last year"

I am thankful to everyone who made me laugh, who made me cry, who got me angry, who got me confused I mean you guys made my life less boring.

I am thankful I lost just a phone this year compared to last year when I lost three phones.....lol

I am thankful for SIX26TH , Dj Fleau (I took classes for this and yeah I spin and I am upcoming sha anyways I am sha a  Dj somehow), for finally understanding twitter, and for my new life,

I am thankful for seeing the end of this year in one piece...

Once again I am so thankful about you my readers you guys are the best.

PS: I AM THANKFUL I TOOK OUT TIME TO WRITE THIS AND I AM THANKFUL YOU ARE NOW TAKING OUT TIME TO READ THIS. SEE YOU NEXT YEAR AND MAY NEXT YEAR BE FUNNIER THAN THIS YEAR

Its 2012 next year what did that movie say about it again..mmscheww bullshit...lol..it aint ending next year...lol

 I WISH YOU AN AMAZING 2012 AND MAY THIS YEAR BE THE BEST SINCE YOUR BIRTH

THE JOKER LOVES YOU....

MERRY CHICKEN AND A HAPPY JOLLOF RICE.... merry christmas in advance

"I want to make a special request to my parents, my mum and daddy baba bilikisu and iya bilikisu, my brothers and sisters iyabo, rasheeda,fatai and sule, my neighbours mama uche, mama basirat, aunty philo, my proprieto and proprietress Mrs Chikordi, I want to wish them a merry new year and a happy Christmas"

Yeah we have come to that time of the year when nta and ltv would be booming with kids from all over making funny requests and speaking the worst English ever. Sometimes I get worried like is this what they are teaching kids now to kill adults with pishauns (grammatical errors). Sometimes I think its just bad marketing for the schools because I know there is no way I would let my kid attend a school were their English is this wonderful...*sarcasm*.

Christmas is a nice time in Nigeria everywhere is always booming. My best time of Christmas is eating Christmas rice but over the years I have come to realize that there is no such thing as Christmas rice same way we don't have Santa Claus.I can't believe I actually thought there was a special type of rice that gets cooked only on Christmas day. I actually thought it had a special recipe, well that is not totally my fault because I remember anytime I ask my mum during the year if she can't cook "Christmas rice" for me she always replies with "you have to wait till Christmas, we can't eat Christmas rice before Christmas" and I remember I would cry and cry and then she would be forced to cook jollof rice and then she would say "oya eat jollof rice" and I would say no "I want Christmas rice" my mum had me under a spell.
It wasn't until secondary school before I realized there aint no thing as a Christmas rice, I loved that lie though.

Unlike in America where they put up trees for Christmas and have this culture of putting up stars and all...boring ish in naija we no get that one. I remember how my mum  put up a Christmas tree one year, "O my dear that was a fun year" cos the tree didn't even make it to Christmas".
In naija we no get time to they put gifts under trees for people to pick out like seriously who get that time.I mean so I would buy gifts and put it under a tree for you to pick it on Christmas day *laughing in Spanish* so I'm suppose to go to the tree and pick a gift with my name on it *smh* well if it aint money, ipad2, a mac or keys to a range rover yall better not try it.

Christmas is the same everywhere for reals the only difference is we don't have Santa Claus we have father Christmas, we hardly ever display Christmas trees in our homes not because we don't want to but I guess that thing occupies space.

Funny thing is unlike other countries where they dedicate christmas days to little family reunions by cooking and eating on a round table, we Nigerians either travel out or just visit all the fun spots in Lagos we don't have such thing as sitting on a dinning table, like seriously who has time for that, most Nigerians don't even make use of their dinning tables sef.

Sometimes I always have this feeling that maybe Christmas belongs to the igbos because the rate at which they travel during Christmas shocks me. Even igbo people abroad make sure they travel to their villages. I mean some of them would borrow money, steal some and do whatsoever to travel to their village during this season, they make it look like their existence depends on it.
I am igbo and I seriously don't understand why they travel like this for reals. You should see them whey they are traveling they look like they are relocating.. I seriously don't understand sef...I think they simply go back to show off to the villagers that they have hammered in Lagos, Abuja, Port Harcourt or wherever they reside...

Christmas is the best time for employees sometimes they get bonuses,bag of rice,gallon of oil,hampers,
and then the long holiday.

Chrsitmas to me means the end of a calender has come and I am always excited and hence anticipate the next year. I really dont have that one christmas that feels like "the christmas" I am hopeful to this christmas it would be nice to have a crazy but fun christmas and so I look forward to invites from you guys to hang out with you or even come and eat " CHRISTMAS RICE".

So let me make a request to my mama, iya funmi, my neighbours mama ramadan, iya fuad, brother johney, suneypa, my friends iyatunde, aisha,azeezat, asake,abdulrasheed,to the road officials (lastma,frsc,vio) and to every porsin (person) out there I wisze (wish) you a happy crisma (Christmas) and melly new year...

PS: TO YOU MY READER WHO ALWAYS ANTICIPATE MY NEXT POST DESPITE MY LAZINESS, TO YOU MY CRITICS WHO HAVE MADE ME GROW,MY FRIENDS, THE 2ND LOVE OF MY LIFE WHO REALLY INSPIRED ME THIS YEAR (YOU KNOW YOURSELF) AND TO OTHER BLOGGERS I WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE. May next year be funnier than this year

SANTA CLAUS vs FATHER CHRISTMAS

VS

 We all must have atleast at one point of our childhood heard of either santa claus or father christmas. They both come out at the same time of the year and almost look alike but I did like to say there is a huge difference between SANTA CLAUS and FATHER CHRISTMAS so don't get it twisted *in d-banj's voice*

Santa claus might be a myth but father christmas is a reality atleast I saw him last year I think he lives down our street...I'm just kidding but seriously there is no story behind father christmas unlike santa claus....i am speaking from the Nigerian perspective oh so kindly ignore foreign father christmas...THANK YOU

Most Nigerian kids might probably not know who santa is except for those who have been exposed to some foreign culture or let's just say the rich kids...think I am lying...next time you visit agege, mushin, ipaja,bariga,onigbogbo ask a couple of kids if they have ever heard of santa claus...I am pretty sure the reaction you would get would crack you up a bit.

The story is kids write letters to santa who lives in North pole (like seriously where is that on the map) asking for a gift and he in return select kids who were good through out the year...like seriously which postal service delivers the letters to him because last time I checked northpole wasn't in existence except its a city in alaska or ice land...*shrugs* .

On the Eve of Christmas Santa leaves his home in a carriage that flies *wow....this is just witch craft on an ICT level*  and some elves who practically do nothing. He normally comes down through the chinmey and then drops their gifts under the christmas tree and then he proceeds to eat the cookies and drinks the glass of milk that is normally left for him to consume. How many homes would he drink milk and eat cookies from...it just shows that onijekuje ni santa claus yii and I'm pretty sure after all the delivery jedijedi worries him.

Sitting here I'm just trying to imagine if santa had to visit africa Nigeria to be precise that would be fun...let's picture it together.

He leaves north pole which by the way is darn cold and then visits Nigeria which by the way would be in harmattan by then and we all know how the sun is during harmattan I hope you bring some sun screen oh. I am pretty sure  by the time the heat is through with santa he would be forced to take off that his big red suit so don't be shocked if he delivers your gift in singlet. 

We don't have chimeys in our homes in Nigeria so I'm trying to imagine how he would get in because I can't think of an alternative way in,I mean we all know how Nigerians padlock themselves once they are about to sleep and since its a suprise santa won't want to knock so I gues he might have to come in through the window or ceiling. He then drops the gift on a table or on the floor since Nigerian homes hardly ever have trees for christmas,  he sees the snack on the floor and so figures its his and so he eats it (rat poison noni)  and while still chewing Nepa takes the light so his forced to leave and so as he starts to leave he starts hearing some funny sounds in his tummy and so he runs to the toilet and as he flushes the owners of the home step out and scream ole!ole!ole! And in a bid to calm them down he probably would say something like " ho!ho!ho! I am santa claus its not what you think" yeah right then " I am an elf". Trust Nigerians and their reflex to the

word "ole"  people would defo rush in to drag the half dressed santa outside and put a tyre on him with some petrol.

He somehow would sha get saved let's say by his elves but I am pretty sure he would make the SUN newspaper next day I can imagine the headline " half dressed santa claus caught shitting in a home"....okay enough you too imagine it...

I have over time noticed that santa and father christmas don't sound the same way when they laugh.

Santa's laughter sounds like Ho!Ho!Ho! (More like oh!oh! That's what you want you can have it) but father christmas' laughter sounds like HeHeHe ( you can't blame him, its the kids that crack him up after paying like 500 or 1000 to see father christmas they say "I want a house at VI for christmas" , "I want a ps3 for christmas". I can imagine he probably would go HeHeHe this pikin wan kill me with laugh you want what,even me wey dey here no get am, abegi).

If you have noticed father christmas in Nigeria never asks  what you want for christmas. They simply just pull you to their side and then say merry christmas and hand you a colourful nylon that contains a pack of jollof rice,bottle water,pencil, baloon,notebook and maybe water game and if you dare form I don't what this I want a car he definetly would LOL *HeHeHe* and say something like abeg just go this is what you paid for.

Having said all this I am not trying to kill the father christmas spirit I am just bored and blogging.

I mean kids have fun and its Christmas visit Santa Claus or Father Christmas..... I think they normall have father christmas come in at silverbird galleria or LTV ...I should go over and sit on his lap.......lol.

PS: DEAR FATHER CHRISTMAS I AM REALLY HOPING TO GET A RANGE ROVER OR  JUST A TICKET TO PARIS FOR CHRISTMAS...

Father Christmas: HEHEHE...lwtmb....my laugh they dance windeck .*in UTI's voice* abeg!abeg!abeg go and get a job...

NIGERIA 101....basic guide for all jjcs

I remember this film I watched as a kid where they  painted a picture of a man who just visited lagos for the first time and was seen by a tout admiring a skyscraper and so the tout asked him how many floors did you count and in a bid to form smart the villager said he had counted only 5 floors  (out of 18 floors) and so the tout charged him 50naira per floor and the mumu jolly just come (jjc) paid after which he smiled and said to himself "see dat mumu man hin no say na 14floors I count,e no even sharp" ....well that was then this is now people are no longer naïve neither are the same tactics been used....strats have changed oh.

We have reached that time of the year when loads of people would be traveling to Nigeria for a visit.What I'm about to give to you is something you would never see in a library or even find on google sef...basic guides on how to survive as a jjc in naija...u no fit see am...Nigerians believe experience is the best teacher...well the experience in Nigeria can make a mad man sane and a sane man mumu hence the reason why I want to give you small expo.

This post is for 3 set of people: those who are first timers in Nigeria,those who lived here for a short period but left the shores of Nigeria for sometime and lastly awon formers association of Nigeria (people who after just 2months abroad start speaking phoney, they come back home and complain about no light, the hot weather and even scream eww when they see rats....mschewww.....)

These are just the basic tips you might need

1. Be sure you are really ready to come to Nigeria for reals. Don't compare over sea hustle to naija's own like dagrin said *swagger mii yar to si ti sule ati dauda" so there is a big difference. What you have in yankee is called hustle cos you have the amenities to guide you through in naija we call it struggle so be sure its time to visit...abeg we no want one person to come here come they form trauma due to culture shock...we don't have psychologists here...anyway we go either take u to redemption camp, prayer city or cannanland.

2. When you get to Nigeria if you don't have a tour guide pls go to the nearest police officer you see or should I say NDLEA officer you see at the airport for directions no let awon omo airport or custom use you chop shawarma,ngwobi and drink stout that day.

3. Nigerians don't really understand road signs so pls try to learn the basic sign language for driving eg rather than trafficate just wind down your window,stretch out your hands to show your direction.Believe me if you trafficate and them jam you when you get to station dem go ask you "oga y u no use ur hand talk were u dey go".
Also learn basic driving signals  like if a driver shows you his 5fingers pls don't mistake it for a hi5 or hello he simply is insulting your mother, or if a driver puts his finger to his head his not saying I would shoot you he is simply saying "you are mad"
Pls we don't really understand the whole lane thing so don't get offended when someone crosses into your lane its all part of it.
Also don't get mad if you stand by the zebra crossing and no car stops for you to cross(I guess they are waiting for zebras to come and cross and not human beings *just saying oh*). Cars would only stop on two occasions if you are extremely hot as in babe and the driver is a male and secondly if God is smiling at you that day. It is possible that there might be days you won't be in any of the 2 categories I advice you force them to stop for you. Just walk right in front of them they would be forced to apply brakes "it always works for me"
And yeah kindly learn basic driving terms like "move that pangolo from the lane", "I go remove the paint for your car body oh" etc

4. If you get arrested by a police officer kindly just smile, greet him and wait for him to talk first don't dare say " is there a problem sir" because a problem would occur. Don't be surprise if after showing him your correct car papers he charges you for "over confidence and looking down on an officer".
If lastma catch you (they normally wear yellow and wine)* kneeling down and begging you" pls don't use terms like "I didn't do anything", "do you know who I am", "what have I done", "this is against the law"...because after speaking grammar the tolling vehicle would jack your car and relocate it to Alausa and once it gets there na you go tire.

5. If you see no parking here pls park there and I am serious. It is pretty dangerous to park at places with no sign at all but omo ita (touts) directing cars because you go pay tire for space when no belong to them...think i am lying go and back anywhere on broad street aside a company car park.....you go pay tire

6.Pls if the reason why you came home was for vacation or too get married then I advice you be careful with what you disclose to people . I am not saying lie but you don't have to say everything either. Don't speak grammar about how you and prince charles use to be neighbours or how paris hilton was your flat mate cos u go tire girls go finish you and awon boys go drain you...

7. If omo ita (tout) says to you anything for the boys I need u to know that is not a rhetorical question as a matter of fact lemme rephrase it " oga u better drop something for us or else...." so its more like you don't have much options but to settle the so called boys who are between 35-45years of age.

8. When going to the market pls drop phoney (oyinbo nature at home) don't allow market people to use you to build house in their village. Don't negotiate dats oyinbo-like,price well well, don't let them fool you with their "see even oyinbo they price sentence"

9. When in rome you are meant to act like the romans so when in Nigerian act like one. I mean even the chinese, japanese,lebanese, indians understand the concept hence the reason they they are the richest foreigners in Nigeria. Don't come back here and form black american or oyinbo. Its good to act tush or have some poise but it has its limits so you know. Even tiwa savage, bankyW, Eldee, Sauce kid, Naeto-C all understand this so don't come here and start forming OYINBO NI MII. If na time to razz be razz when its time to be buttie please be buttie. I know what I am saying so you don't become a foreign scape goat.

10. You are new here we all know but the truth is don't act like a newbie for real. Act like you have been here forever. The moment you act new then you become a prey for devourers...kindly just flow along,learn basic slangs (oshey, jor, abegi,waka, lwtmb,oga jar etc), you know act like you have been here since 1956....

Having said all this I did like to say Nigeria is the best country anyone would like to visit in Africa as a whole we are blessed.

PS: LEAST I FORGET WHEN COMING COME WITH MOSQUITOE CREAM (forget that thing you have abroad the mosquitoes here are cross breed something between alsasian and rotwiler), SUNSCREEN (I know you love tanning so please before you roast all in the name of tanning ), YOU NEED EXTRA CONFIDENCE TO FACE THE RATS HERE (our rats have equal rights hence the reason why they would never run when they see human beings). I wish you luck as you visit...